"This Too Shall Pass" or How I Live With Depression

Well, I wasn't planning to use this blog as a personal/emotional journal, but tonight it seems like the perfect place.

If you know me, then you know several key facts about me: I laugh loudly and often; I use huge gestures that match my fat body; and I suffer depression. Actually, my diagnosis is for clinical depression, PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), and anxiety disorder. Sometimes it shows more than others.

I just recently recovered from an adverse medication change that sent me spiraling into anxiety, nightmares and eventually depression. My meds have been changed back, and I recovered pretty quickly. But tonight, I struggle with it yet again.

This January, I got a part time job tutoring math after almost 4 years of unemployment and being on disability. It's really the perfect job for getting my feet wet again. I'm only working about 10 hours a week (though the job is actually supposed to be 15), it's impossible for me to be behind, and there is never anything (physical or emotional) for me to take home.

I breezed through the first quarter. Alright, that's a blatant lie.. though it seems like it, when I actually think back to it, it was hard. I had expected going back to work to be difficult, and it was at least three times harder than I expected. But I made it.

Now I'm at the half way mark for the second quarter, and every day I don't quit is a success. I'm just so exhausted and tired of being "on" every day. I don't know if this is just a readjustment period that I'll have to go through, or if this isn't the right time/job.

When I completed therapy (those aren't words you hear very often {and you didn't "hear" them this time either}) I bought myself a ring with the quote "This Too Shall Pass" carved on it in both English and Hebrew. It's an easy thing to say, but a life saving viewpoint if you can really grasp it. No depression lives for ever, I won't get mad and stay that way for the rest of my life, everything that I experience will, eventually, pass.

And so I try to remember that now. But I don't know how it will pass.. Will I readjust to working and being around people so much? Or will I quit this job and let it pass that way?
I don't know.. and I hate not knowing.